The Sporadic Curmudgeon

The New York Post’s gossip column is reporting that the Double Tree Hotel has removed Heinz Ketchup bottles from their restaurant tables to avoid offending the Republicans during the GOP Convention. (see bottom of the page)

Whatever.

Frankly, I don’t get why our Evil Overlords are so thin-skinned about ketchup. The stuff was invented during the British occupation of India to help disguise the taste of rotten meat. Seems to me the Republicans ought to be wallowing in it.

A female chimpanzee in a Beijing zoo has dealt with her sexual frustration by demanding cigarettes from visitors and spitting on them if they refuse. Her ostensible mate is 28 years her senior, and apparently could use a prescription for Viagra.

It reminds me of a woman that lived down the road from us when I was a kid in Uvalde, Texas. She was the reason our supermarket stopped making home deliveries. I guess chimpanzee and human DNA really are almost identical. I wonder if the chimp wears too much makeup and curlers in her hair also…

God bless New Yorkers.

Hundreds of thousands of protesters took to the streets of NYC today to express their utter disgust at the Republican vermin wriggling into town to simultaneously nominate George W. “Can’t Win Without Cheating” Bush and exploit the incomprehensible tragedy of 9/11. The crowd is estimated at 250,000 strong, although most of the news outlets (Republican-owned, of course) are describing it as “tens of thousands.” Does that look like “tens of thousands” to you? This is one of the largest political demonstrations in history. Well, Dubya didn’t lie about one thing: he definitely united people.

There’s a tradition in the online communtiy, known as Godwin’s Law, that any discussion of sufficient length will inevitably elicit a comparison to Hitler or the Nazis, at which point the discussion will have lost all relevance. Normally this holds true: a school paper story being spiked because it embarrases the school does not make the principal a member of the Gestapo.

There’s one problem with Godwin’s Law, though: what if the comparison is factually correct? If the administration of the United States really is marching toward fascism, then an analogy with Europe in the 1930s isn’t hyperbole. Fascism is, according to the 1983 American Heritage Dictionary,

“a system of government that exercises a dictatorship of the extreme right, typically through the merging of state and business leadership, together with belligerent nationalism.”

Sound familiar? It’s nothing new; America has a long history of flirting with the devil. Until now, though, the fascists haven’t controlled all three branches of government, nor have they effectively owned all of the main media outlets.

A more-blatant-than-usual example of the Bush administration’s loathing for democracy has come to light in the ACLU’s challenge to the Orwellianly-named PATRIOT act. John Ashcroft’s Justice Department was revealed to have censored a Supreme Court quote about the dangers of suppressing civil rights under a pretext of national security in the ACLU’s filing. The courts forced them to restore the missing text.

Why did the DOJ censor the quote? “National security,” of course.

We’re headed down a very scary path, here. This administration has demonstrated a willingness to shed an appalling amount of blood to further its political aims. So far, they’ve backed down the few times they’ve been confronted squarely with the law. Let’s hope they continue to do so through November. The question remains: how far will they go if they think they’re about to lose power? They appear to be more than happy to take us so far down the path to dictatorship that we can’t even see America anymore.

The Dave Matthews Band has been accused of drenching a boatload of tourists with 800 pounds of liquid shit in Chicago. The incident allegedly took place on August 8, while the band’s tour bus was crossing a bridge over the Chicago River. Investigators say the driver flipped a switch behind his seat and illegally dumped the bus’ septic tank.

If true, this isn’t the first time that the normally-ecofriendly band has been involved in a huge release of raw sewage. They had a song on the soundtrack of Adam Sandler’s Mr. Deeds.

The bus driver has plead guilty.

Unfortunately, this is not about cannibalism*. The Associated Press ran a story last week about a Canadian man who jumped into the Olympic diving pool dressed in a tutu and polka-dotted tights.

As it turns out, this wasn’t some light-hearted prankster akin to the streakers that bravely bare their mottled, British nakedness** to drunken soccer fans every few months. See, Mr. Fashion Statement has pulled this sort of stunt before, at the the world figure skating championships held in Germany last March. Last time, he had the name of a website painted on his chest; at the Olympics he was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with an ad for an online casino.

While I normally enjoy a good monkey wrench in the works, especially something as overblown and flatulent as the Olympics, I can’t really get behind this guy. He’s the exact equivalent of an annoying popup ad, and now legions of soulless marketing golems all over the world are thinking to themselves, “Y’know…”

* Tangent One: Cannibalism is the only known subject matter that can redeem any movie, no matter what kind of lame, estrogen-soaked emotiporn crap it is. This is known as the Fried Green Tomatoes effect.

** Tangent Two: Oh God, don’t get me started on the ghastly horror that is British pornography. I personally do not find skin the color (and texture) of congealed porridge to be the slightest bit arousing. The fact that the British people did not go extinct centuries ago is a magnificent, unequaled example of the human ability to ignore objective reality so as to get the job done.

The Australian is reporting that a superstitious man died on Friday the 13th because of a wasp sting. The man was making coffee in his kitchen when the insect got him, killing him almost immediately.

Ironically (and this is one of the few cases where that word actually applies), the man was at home because he’d requested time off from work to avoid the bad luck associated with the day.

This story frankly sounds a little bit too good to be true; my bullshit-o-meter definitely detects a faint whiff o’ the bovine. Might be true, might not. Should any further info come to light, I’ll let you know.

Today our Glorious Leader visited the peons here in Las Vegas to clarify his principled position on the Yucca Mountain nuclear repository. In this case “principled” means, among other things, glossing over 293 documented safety and technical issues and putting a million-and-a-half people at risk.

I listened to a clip from the speech on my way home, and have since tried unsuccessfully to find a transcript. If one shows up, I’ll provide a link so you can read it for yourself.

In his address, Bush acknowledged the “difference of opinion” Nevada authorities had with him over the prospect of storing tons of highly-radioactive waste in an area criss-crossed by dozens of geological faults a mere hundred miles from Las Vegas. Then, displaying the magnanimous character that has typified his reign, our President said the following*:

But I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll allow this to be appealed to the courts and the Atomic Energy Commission. And I’ll abide by the court’s decision.

As they used to say in Texas, that’s mighty white of him. I’d like to point out two things. One, the issue will be appealed to the courts whether Herr Bush “allows” it or not. Unless he’s planning to spring a little martial law on us just before the election, it is the explicit right of all citizens to petition the courts for the redress of grievances. Two, the clear implication of his statement is that Bush and his corrupt administration consider it an act of concilliation to simply abide by the damned law.

But we’ve known that all along, haven’t we?

* Quoted from memory. I will post the actual text when I locate it.

There’s one good thing about having an incompetent brain-dead deserter in the White House: once in a while our Fearless Leader actually blurts out the truth. He’s generally so averse to the very idea of honesty that truthful words must burn his tongue like acid. Probably the result of some contract he signed.

It seems that at a recent bill-signing ceremony Bush admitted to an undying hatred of America:

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we,” Bush said. “They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

Not exactly “Give me liberty or give me death,” is it?