The Sporadic Curmudgeon

Florida: it’s the state that just keeps on giving whether you want it to or not. This time a suspicious-looking fake penis wrapped in duct tape caused a terror alert that closed Interstate 75 for an hour. Too bad they’re not as observant when it comes to election fraud.

My favorite part of the story is the last line:

The bomb squad was brought in to handle the situation and a remote-controlled robot used to make the fake penis safe.

Now that brings back some fond memories…

Many thanks to John C. for “alerting” me to this incident.

Frank Gorshin, who played the Riddler on the sixties Batman show, has died at age 72.

Frank Gorshin was one of the coolest guys that ever lived:

• He and Burgess Meredith (the Penguin) once actually stole the Batmobile! They would have gotten away with it, too, but the damned thing was so heavy it wouldn’t go more than 40mph.
• He hated the leotard they made him wear on the show, so he paid for his own Riddler suit, complete with green bowler hat.
• Wearing black and white greasepaint, he guest-starred on one of the goofiest, most message-heavy Star Trek episodes ever.
• Gorshin did the best Peter Lorre impression in the business. As a matter of fact, to this day I can do a version of Gorshin’s Lorre in a bit he wrote called “The Man With The Soft-Boiled Eyeballs:”

I remember when I was very young, I went to my father and said, “Could I have a new toy?”

“Why do you want a new toy?” he asked me.

“I want a new toy because every other kid on the block has a new toy!!”

And then he said something that was the wisest thing he ever said to me. “Son,” he said, “I want you to always remember… the greatest toy you will ever have is your brain.”

So I went away feeling very confused… But later that night I figured out what he was talking about and took an axe and cut off the top of his head and started playing with my new toy…

Tomorrow they’re going to teach me to make baskets.

His final performance is being broadcast tonight on CBS: Quentin Tarentino cast him in the season finale of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.

We’ll miss ya, Frank.

Google Maps satellite images may have captured a UFO hovering over Florida. Apparently there are no water towers in that location. Very, very odd.

As reported just about everywhere, Our Fearless Leader was not informed that an incursion into resticted air space around Washington, DC had triggered an evacuation of the Capitol and White House until 40 minutes after the all-clear had sounded. The Secret Service chose, instead, to let him finish his bike ride.

His own wife was among the people evacuated.

Other than bringing up troubling echoes of a certain infamous classroom visit in the autumn of 2001, this incident raises a few questions. The one I want answered is this:

There are two reasons you would not inform the President of the United States and Commander in Chief that Washington, DC was under possible air attack. A.) They knew the attack was not genuine, therefore there was no need to trouble him; or B.) He is a mere figurehead that should be kept out of the way of the grownups during an actual emergency.

Which is it? A? B? We’re waiting for an answer.

Ever since Google added satellite imagery to their maps, I’ve been poking around looking for curiosities in the images. I found so many that I’ve created a new subsection of the site: Eccentric Orbit: odd things visible from space.

There you’ll find ancient pueblos (see image at right), giant words carved into the ground, monuments, roadside attractions, volcanoes and so on. There’s even an atomic cannon. I’ll be adding items as I find them, so keep checking back.

A North Carolina “minister” has excommunicated nine members of his congregation because they are Democrats.

Chandler could not be reached for comment Friday, but says his actions weren’t politically motivated. One former church member says Chandler told some of the members that if they didn’t support George Bush, they needed to resign their positions and get out of the church, or go to the altar, repent and agree to vote for Bush.

It never fails to amaze me how people professing belief in the teachings of Jesus can happily shit all over everything He preached.

As for the nine excommunicated members and the 40 that followed them in protest, I have a few words of advice: *cough*tax-exempt-status*cough*

The ABC News headline reads “Wyoming Men Cited For Making Snow Phallus.” This story irks me, and it’s all because of one word: “phallus.”

Hey, I like my latin roots as well as the next guy, but I think it’s time we retired phallus. It’s an ungainly word, and smells of formaldehyde and psychiatry. Phallus was fine for an age in which the male member was unmentionable, but ever since Lorena Bobbitt pruned her husband’s Tree of Life our society’s been awash in wangs. We might as well face it: America likes its love muscle, and phallus just doesn’t cut the linguistic mustard.

But what could take the place of phallus? What phrase could possibly hope to capture the complex interplay of psychological and social connotations swirling around the organ under consideration? Nothing is more frustrating than when a phallus substitute is on the tip of your tongue but nothing pops into your head.

Relax. Relief is at hand. To help expand everyone’s penile perspective, I suggest a trip to Woody’s World of Penis Euphemisms. If you can’t find a good phrase or two there, you’re nothing but a purple-headed womb ferret.