The Sporadic Curmudgeon

Scientific American is running an article about a British study entitled Creativity Linked to Sexual Success and Schizophrenia that I found quite alarming. Not about the creativity/sex/madness triad; who hasn’t already figured that out? What worried me was this statement:

Those who professionally pursued the arts had the highest average number of partners–5.5–compared to just over four for the less creative study participants.

Holy cow! English artists only have five-point-freaking-five partners?!?

I was a member of the Los Angeles arts community in the 1980s, and it would have taken at least thirty complete virgins per artist to bring the average down to 5.5. There are a few possible explanations for this ridiculously low number, but most of them involve year-round seasonal depression, debilitating compulsive masturbation or a rash of disfiguring illnesses.

Pedantic Note: “Albion” is an archaic name for Great Britain.

What a big surprise. American corporations are afraid of backing a Darwin exhibit.

sigh

Look, I’ll spell this out for you. There are, much like Bush supporters, only two kinds of people backing so-called “Intelligent Design”: charlatans and idiots. I’m sick of being polite about these superstitious buffoons and the criminals that exploit them. Our superiority in the sciences, which is the main thing responsible for the “American way of life” they claim to love, is falling by the wayside while these hyperreligious dolts continue trying to cram their hateful, pathetically limited version of God down our throats. Even if God exists, which as an agnostic I refuse to dismiss out of hand, surely He’s not some surly redneck.

They are flat-out absolutely 100% completely and totally wrong. Why must we always pander to the least rational members of society? Can’t we be better than this just once?

I was sitting in my first-grade classroom in Uvalde, Texas. The principal came on the intercom. He announced that the President had been shot and killed in Dallas, and then dismissed school. His voice broke. It was the first time in my life I’d heard an adult man cry.

Soon would follow Vietnam, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Watergate and every other goddamned thing that’s gone wrong since. I know it’s simplistic thinking, but anyone who lived through that awful day knows in the marrow of their bones the exact moment when our long decline began.

A Russian woman and her two teenage sons have been arrested for strangling a man and eating his internal organs. According to Rostov police, the grisly repast was the result of an argument that got way, way out of hand.

Coincidentally (or not), this isn’t the area’s first brush with cannibalism. Between 1978 and 1990 Rostov was the stomping grounds of the worst non-governmental serial killer in Soviet history, Andrei Chikatilo, who was known to take an occasional nibble from the 52 victims under his belt.

It’s this sort of thing that can have an adverse effect on tourism. Not to worry, though:

According to [police spokesman Alexei] Polyansky, there has been no cannibalism cases in the Rostov region in more than 10 years.

Now that’s a Chamber of Commerce motto I can get behind!

By the way, a few years back HBO made Citizen X, an excellent movie about Chikatilo and the dogged forensics expert who worked on the case for years in spite of the official line that “there are no serial killers in the Soviet Union.” If you ever get the chance, see it.

In a spittle-flecked tirade against the Pennsylvania town of Dover for being so impious as to expect their schools to actually teach science in science class, Pat Robertson admitted that the Lord God Almighty is indeed holy. As in swiss cheese. Here’s the Great Man himself:

“And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for His help because he might not be there.”

This marks a major change in the perception of God, since one of the most Godlike of Official Godly Attributes is omnipresence, or being everywhere in the universe at the same time. Robertson is now claiming that there are some physical localities where God just ain’t nowhar to be found nohow.

Considering that the ousted Dover school board required schools to read students a short statement in biology class informing them that there are gaps in the theory of evolution, it seems like it would only be fair to begin each church service with a reminder of the big chunks missing from the Deity.

While they’re at it, they could also point out the two incompatible accounts of creation in Genesis, answer a couple of questions about the sexual relations of the first few human generations, and then debate the likelihood of Judas’ death both by hanging (Matthew 27:1-10) and hurling himself to the ground where he burst assunder, spilling his intestines (Acts 1:18-19). Extra points for any scenario involving a piñata.

Gaps, indeed.

While I’m not generally one to criticize the customs of another culture (just go with me on this one, OK?), I do find it strange that Bosnian 20-year-olds are playing catch with live hand grenades at 2 AM. The game ended exactly the way you’d imagine, with an abruptly grotesque change from “catch” to “keep-away.”

How do things like this happen? Are Bosnian youths so bored they’ll juggle running chainsaws for laughs? Have their lives become such a neverending clusterfuck that they no longer recognize a hand grenade as something dangerous?

Of course, this could be some kind of botched paramilitary training exercise in mid-coverup.

On the other hand, maybe a Bosnian TV station was just broadcasting reruns of Jackass. Teenage stupidity recognizes no national boundaries.

A Canadian man is claiming that he is innocent of committing sexual assault because his penis is so large that an unwelcome penetration would have been impossible. But wait, that’s not all! The defense has provided visual aids:

Earlier in the trial, which has been in and out of court for months, a urologist testified that Beutling’s penis is in the top 5% range for size in comparison to the doctor’s other patients.

…

The urologist showed the court a plastic model of a penis approximating the accused’s member at a semi-relaxed state, which measured 8 1/2 inches in length and 6 1/2 inches in girth.

Well, could be. Such physical incompatibilies are not that uncommon. It’ll be interesting to see if being a human tripod has any legal standing.

It’s incredibly convenient that the urologist just happened to have an enormous latex dong laying around in case he needed it as Exhibit A, though. Let’s hope he washed it thoroughly before handing it to the Bailiff.

In a story of interest only to the sort of people who wear tweed jackets with patches on the elbows, the Scotsman is reporting that Odysseus’ home island Ithaca as described in Homer’s The Odyssey may not actually be the modern Ithaca.

I know, I know. You probably want to sit down and catch your breath before reading further.

Anyway, I thought it was vaguely more-or-less semi-quasi-interesting and posted it. Don’t really know why, actually. Maybe you can manage to work it into the conversation at your next party. That will simultaneously make you seem to be a.) an educated individual well-grounded in the classics, and b.) an insufferable bore. Welcome to my world, Bucky!