The Sporadic Curmudgeon

trepidation is
opening the restroom door
and the light is on

back from vacation
roll up sleeves, get back to work
bleak abject despair

“To better enhance connectivity between prospective enterprise clientele and innovative paradigm-redefining turnkey solutions while contemporizing preexisting institutional structural characteristics through focused proactive optimization of the profitability vector framework within a peer-group-tested lifestyle-affirming workplace environment.”

(By the way, if you ever actually say anything even vaguely resembling that sentence and really mean it, you should kill yourself. Really. I’m not kidding. Do us all a favor.)

Finger-pointing note This apalling monstrosity is a collaboration between James Cole and myself. I’m a firm believer in spreading blame where blame is due.

Gullible morons the world over are all agog over a UK crop circle design utilizing one-point perspective. It is being billed as “the world’s first 3D crop circle,” all prior crop circles apparently having been two-dimensional.

I don’t know, though. One would think that a crop circle possessing only two dimensions, with width and depth but absolutely no height whatsoever would be significantly more impressive than a three-dimensional one, and almost impossible to see. But that’s probably just me.

Of course, it isn’t really the world’s first 3D crop circle. The first 3D crop circle would have been the first crop circle, spacetime being what it is. They are referring to the illusion of three dimensions in the figure, an art technique known as “perspective” that was first formalized about 1400 AD or so. I guess the aliens sank all their research dollars into faster-than-light travel instead of basic drawing skills.

The design, which would have bagged me a C- if it had been an Art 101 assignment, has crop-circle experts in a dither. (They prefer to be called “cereologists” — if you can say that without snickering you’re a better person than I am.)

“It is the first of its kind and is a very, very powerful thing to look at.

There is a lot of symbolic number play at work here. The square in ancient times represented the material world.

The move from a two-dimensional square into a three-dimensional cube might indicate that these patterns emanate from a dimension of reality we cannot access. ”

Hold on a second there, Poindexter.* I think the only thing “emanating from a dimension of reality we cannot access” here is hot air, and from the stench I’d say it’s a bit heavy on the methane and sulfur dioxide.

Let’s get something straight. Crop circles are not made by UFOs. Crop circles are not made by transdimensional beings. Crop circles are made by people that enjoy making other people look like fools.

Looks like I’ve found a new hobby…

* Homer 3D reference, courtesy of Jason B.

Special iconography note: This is the inauguration of a new category, “Idiots,” with an icon of an old-fashioned dunce cap. Usually stories about sub-par intelligence fall into either the “Religious Nuts,” “Whoops!” or “Republican Ani” categories. Imagine my surprise when I ran across this story about stupid people that aren’t religious, clumsy or Republican! To be fair, this will probably be the last time you’ll see it without one of the other categories attached as well. As I always say, not all clumsy religious Republicans are stupid. But if you’re stupid, chances are you’re a clumsy religious Republican.

is this a diesel?
can you even hear your car?
shame-based mechanic

In the village of Lyonshall in Herefordshire, UK, a cackling Slovakian leapt through the open window of an elderly couple’s home, bit off the old man’s thumb and ate it. The victim also suffered bites to his face and upper body, even losing his left nipple in the bizarre attack.

Police yesterday sent a team of officers to the village to reassure locals it had been a “highly unusual and random attack”.

Thank goodness it wasn’t a routine, scheduled cannibal attack. That would just be upsetting.

Normally I find stories about cannibalism pretty funny. I’m not sure why, exactly; it’s probably something I should discuss with a professional. But this one really creeps me out. An old man’s nipple? That’s got to be tougher than year-old beef jerky.

Extra-special grossout update: Since posting this story, speculation has run rampant around the office as to the precise texture of old man nipple. So far, suggestions have included a used rawhide dog toy, a rolled-up condom and a piece of octopus sushi.