The Atomic Deathray
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The Fleischer Brothers. Pre-Hayes-Code Betty Boop, Bimbo, and a cameo by Koko the Clown. Cab Calloway in his prime, dancing and singing “Minnie the Moocher” as a spectral walrus. It just don’t get much better than this, kids.
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Is it just me, or does MexiMelt® sound like a twisted, unholy Department of Defense program?
I honestly think I would rather sacrifice a finger than go through the last week again.
On July 3, I was scheduled for surgery to remove an extremely painful kidney stone. The day had started well; after dutifully peeing through my plastic strainer I found it contained a small chunk of solid material. I called the doctor, and he had me come in for a CAT scan to see if the bastard had finally passed. Unfortunately it was just a fragment, and the surgery was still on.
At the hospital they started an IV drip, with morphine and an antibiotic. I’ve had morphine before, so the burning in my veins wasn’t unexpected. It kept burning, though, and seemed to be getting worse. I looked down and saw that every vein in my arm was distended and red, and it was spreading north. It turns out that I am allergic to Levaquin. One of the nurses commented that I was lucky it hadn’t been a systemic reaction.
The surgery went well, the stone was removed, and they installed a stent to keep my ureter from swelling shut. I woke up, they sent me home with a pain prescription, and that was that.
I didn’t tolerate the stent well, and started having spasms. I was given antispasmodic medication that helped a little, but still ended up spending most of the week in bed. I couldn’t take enough Vicodan to handle the pain without risking liver damage. (Why do they put acetominophen in everything?) The stent hurt every bit as much as the kidney stone had, but instead of hitting me every few hours it was constant, 24 hours a day.
As if that wasn’t enough I have chronic psoriasis, which is aggravated by stress, and by Friday the lower half of my face looked and felt like I’d been making out with a belt sander.
Tuesday morning they removed the stent. It was agonizing and humiliating, but at least it was over quickly. I’m starting to feel better, although my innards still feel a mite abused. My skin rash is even beginning to subside.
I have to say, this has been surprisingly difficult to deal with. I’ve been stabbed in the chest (complete with collapsed lung), suffered sciatica from a slipped disc so extreme that my leg started to atrophy, have had abscessed teeth, a broken elbow, a few cases of the DTs and a near-fatal run-in with colitis, and none of it has hurt quite as much as that damned little rock. Without the kindness and understanding of my wife and daughter I don’t think I could have gotten through it at all.
Now I’ll shut up about it. Thanks for listening to me bitch. Tomorrow I’ll get back to the jokes.
On Independence Day, and in particular on this Independence, it’s important to remind ourselves that we live in a democratic republic and that no man, regardless of his or her elected position, is above the law.
We the people of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
The full text of The Constitution can be read here.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use without just compensation.
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Excessive bail shall not be required nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
The day I’ve been dreading has arrived: my kidney stone failed to cooperate and do the urethral slalom, so I check into the hospital this afternoon to undergo “The Procedure.” I would describe it in detail, but I must get through the day without disgracing myself and thus I am not going to think about it.
It’s a simple procedure, but anytime you go under anesthesia there’s a certain level of risk. With any luck I’ll be bothering you all again in a couple of days. If not, well, thanks for having read my stuff. It’s been a privilege. Keep fighting the Good Fight, and I’ll catch you on the flipside.
by Prescott Bilderberg
Today I saw a story on The Fox News that said our strong, compassionate President Bush has gone to Russia. He and Vladimir Putin are discussing all sorts of important stuff including invading Iran. I just about swallowed my retainer with glee. My liberal “friends” think this is a bad idea so I formulated this evidence to prove them to be the bleeding-heart, suck-ass bitches they are. So here it is.
10. To remove democratically elected President Mamoud Ahmadinejad and bring democracy to Iran.
9. The promise of faith-based initiatives to separate mosque and state.
8. The invasion is in accordance with the Bush administration’s strict “let the next asshole deal with it” policy.
7. Finally seize Iran’s abundance of energy resources and reserves of Natural gas, second only to Russia… and give it to the people. (Wink)
6. In 2005, President Ahmadinejad claimed that the holocaust was a myth. President Bush can counter this theory by showing how a ruthless elected official can rise to power in times of panic and sway public opinion to support the most pointless blood baths in history. That’ll show ‘em.
5. This new war will finally give Bush the opportunity to use the phrase “Axis of Evil Smackdown” at the state of the union.
4. It’s known that Iran is harboring the bad terrorists. As opposed to the Saudi and Turkish good terrorists.
3. We would reduce our dependency on foreign oil as gas prices would go up to $6.00 per gallon.
2. We would have a good fight on our hands when attacking a population of 70 million battle-hardened, united citizens with an average age under 30 and a second nature knowledge of the terrain. Go get ‘em cowboy.
1. Because Iraq isn’t enough of a clusterfuck.
: The Young Turk “Mr. Prescott” wishes it be known that he is President of the Hannity Calamity Fan Club. Long-time readers may also know him as “Hieronymous.”