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Featuring

The Sporadic Curmudgeon

(Wherein I Frequently Complain)

by David Bryant

…He’s a Demon on Wheels…

Friday, May 9, 2008 @ 9:49 am  
I, Curmudgeon Geeking Out

Man, oh man, I’m looking forward to today. I’ve taken a cherished vacation day and my daughter Naomi is playing hooky so that she and I can see the first showing of Speed Racer at noon. I’m a rabid fan of the original early-60s series, and if the rumors are true that they’ve gone to absurd lengths to preserve the cartoon’s atmosphere then I’m a happy man. Later this evening I’ll post my typical half-baked review. I’m expecting a ridiculously fun popcorn movie. Keep your fingers crossed!

By the way, this is the first non-Pixar movie I’ve made it to in a theater since The Fellowship of the Ring came out. Parenthood is a mixed blessing for a cineast: attendance goes way down, but DVD rentals skyrocket.

Special correction note: Actually, I saw the third Matrix film (I think it was called Matrix: Regurgitated or something like that, and was made by the same people that made Speed Racer) but it was such a God-awful mess that I blocked it from my memory. I mean, come on. Exoskeleton battle suits with completely open cockpits so that a ten-year-old could take the pilot out with a well-aimed rock? Give me a break. Weapons designers of the future, please take note: if your primary enemy wields deadly mechanical pincers at the end of flailing tentacles, at least PUT IN A FRIGGIN’ WINDSHIELD.

Special After-Movie note: We just got back from watching Speed Racer, and all I can say is that the negative critics out there are probably the same soul-dead jerks that think they’re above enjoying Disneyland. This movie is loud, colorful, fast-paced and one hell of a lot of fun. I’ve even read reviews claiming that kids were bored by it. My daughter is as hyperkinetic as they come, and she sat through the whole thing with a goofy smile on her face. Come to think of it, so did I. If you’ve got one little smidgen of the eight-year-old you used to be left in you, go to the theater, buy the biggest soda and popcorn they have, and settle in for some serious fun.

To wrap up: my life is little more than a steaming pile of pain and degradation, but my personal troubles didn’t enter my head once during Speed Racer. You won’t learn any major life lessons from it, but you’ll be free of the crap we all live in for a couple of hours. If that sounds good, by all means go see it and enjoy yourself.

And take the kids, too.

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