Don’t Play With Your Food
I tried. Lord knows, I tried. But I’m only human.
At one time this site was notorious for gleeful posts about people putting various body parts where they plainly didn’t belong. And as it happens, for reasons known only to the Almighty and a handful of mental health professionals, some of these posts inspired me to create some rather unsavory artwork.
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After a number of complaints chiding me for my apparent fixation on genitalia, I decided to take the tender sensitivities of my readership into account and tone it down. Well, that and the sinking feeling that I was making myself less employable than a 1930s hobo.
See old-timey illustration at right. No, that is not Al Franken. I know it looks like Al Franken, but it’s not. Just shut up, okay? Jeez. |
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So I took the high road. (There was going to be a Loch Lomond joke here but I decided against it for the same reason I don’t do jokes about mythology or quantum physics anymore.)
If I saw a newswire story about some guy that got caught by a stoplight camera travelling fifty miles an hour with his putz in one hand and a porn magazine in the other, my first impulse was to pillory the miscreant on the internet. But then I would stop, think about my readers’ delicate constitutions, and slowly back away from the keyboard. Far be it from me to cause a case of the vapors.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I became… mature.
My traffic numbers fell faster than the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs.
Actually, once I made the decision to write only things that wouldn’t get me fired, I found that I had very little to say. It turns out that my thoughts on pretty much any subject whatsoever are so juvenile and libelous that the whole “not getting fired” thing filters out all but one or two posts a month. Regardless, I was trying to be a grown-up even though I still think whoopee cushions are the best invention ever including fire.
Today all that flew right out the damned window. I simply could not resist. What, I ask you, am I to do when a story like the following comes along? I’m not made of stone, after all.
A New Jersey police officer is in trouble for forcing calves to perform oral sex on him and videotaping it. Five times.
Here’s the ugly meat of the matter:
Judge Morely said it was questionable that Melia’s acts, though “disgusting,” constituted animal cruelty.
“I’m not saying it’s OK,” Morely said. “This is a legal question for me. It’s not a questions of morals. It’s not a question of hygiene. It’s not a question of how people should conduct themselves.”
The dismissal reportedly irked the prosecution.
“I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man’s penis in the mouth of a calf is torment,” a Burlington County assistant prosecutor, Kevin Morgan, said. “It’s a crime against nature.”
I guess this means I’m back to being immature. C’est la vie. Hey, am I the only one that thinks the quote from the assistant prosecutor would make a killer ringtone?
Oh, yes. I almost forgot. The unsavory artwork:
