The Sporadic Curmudgeon

A little over a year ago I was doing some research on the Disney masterpiece “Pinnochio,” and stumbled across a recording of Jiminy Cricket singing a filthy song. The discovery delighted me no end.

Tonight I was looking for a recording of “Ghost Riders in the Sky” for a project I’m planning, when I found this unexpected little gem: an utterly foul sendup of the old cowboy ditty The Strawberry Roan. Best of all, it was recorded by none other than The Sons of the Pioneers in 1943!

I’d better warn you, this baby has rough language, sexual situations, drug abuse and some truly squirm-inducing gore. So send the young’uns to the bunkhouse, gather ’round the campfire, and listen to a song that’s sure to send you straight to perdition. Git along, little dogies!

The Castration Of Strawberry Roan

I can just imagine Al Swearengen hiring these guys to play at the Gem Saloon.

If anyone needs any more evidence that the entire world is headed straight down the crapper, order a burrito.

About ten years ago some evil puppy-killing hellspawn realized that it’s less expensive to fill a burrito with rice instead of filling it with actual burrito ingredients, and then everybody else started doing it. I hope that guy died horribly, and Satan is now using his mouth for a spitoon while he’s being ass-raped by a vengeful three-foot sea urchin.

Let me be absolutely clear about this: RICE DOES NOT BELONG IN A BURRITO!!!! RICE IS A FUCKING SIDE DISH!!!!

This is not a matter of opinion, nor is it open to discussion. I lived in Texas most of my life, and if there’s one thing we know besides jaw-dropping political corruption, it’s burritos. Rice belongs in a burrito like mayo belongs on a hot pastrami sandwich. And if you don’t turn in revulsion from that last sentence, then I pity you. You plainly have no soul.

Here is a list of acceptable burrito ingredients. I’ve broken them down into the two main burrito families.

Breakfast Burrito

• Flour tortilla
• Potato
• Egg
• Chorizo
• Cilantro
• Bacon
• Hot sauce
• Yellow cheese

Regular Burrito

• Flour tortilla
• Refritos
• Beef
• White cheese
• Green chilis
• Chicken
• Salsa Verde
• Hot sauce
• Sour cream (although that’s awfully close to the line)

Please note that there is no rice, lettuce, tomato, or crunchy little fried corn tortilla bits. (I’m looking at YOU, Volcano Burrito!)

A burrito with rice is a burrito made for pussies by pussies. It is one of the few things you can eat that is actually improved by a slow boat ride down the alimentary canal. It is a vile corruption of one of the finest culinary treats on the planet.

Dammit, isn’t there one single joy in life that’s not being shit all over these days?