10 Unnatural Ways to Stop Feeling Depressed
As you may infer from just about anything I’ve ever done, said, written or painted, I am by nature a profoundly depressed cynic, i.e. a clear-eyed realist. One of my few socially redeeming qualities is that I try to brighten the lives of those around me by pointing out the utter futility of existence in an amusing manner. I think of it as my own little educational program.
Recent events have left me feeling a bit lower in the dumps than usual, so this evening when I ran across 10 All Natural Ways to Stop Feeling Depressed by John Wesley, it captured my attention instantly. Good heavens, I thought to myself. Here’s something well-written and genuinely helpful that I can parody mercilessly. I smiled for the first time in weeks.
Well, what do you expect? I’m a freaking curmudgeon, for God’s sake! Happy campers annoy the shit out of me.
10 Unnatural Ways to Stop Feeling Depressed
- Woman gives birth astride the grave.
- Every hideous second that we endure is one second closer to the welcome moment we can say adios to this reeking, festering charnelhouse of a blasted life.
- The 1970s were a really ugly decade. Avacado Green kitchen appliances? No wonder we’re depressed!
Do these unpleasant thoughts ring a bell? That’s because they’re absolutely true. We’re all going to die, and most of us won’t go peacefully in our sleep. All of our works will deteriorate, crumble and be lost to history. If a comet or asteroid or global warming don’t wipe us out, we’ll all end up cinders when the sun expands into its red giant phase. Everything you know and love will be taken from you, much sooner than you believe possible, and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it.
However, there are a few proven methods of making your way through the world without taking the razor blade express to the great beyond. Here are ten things you can do to feel less depressed. It won’t make your life any less depressing, mind you. It’ll just distract you from the grim facts long enough to allow you to function on a semi-adequate social level, just like the rest of the population.
1. Understand your emotional whirlpool - Life is a whipsaw tiltawhirl run by a demented speed-addled carny. Some days you feel like a Godlike being able to dispense fiery death with a single withering glance. Other days you drink out of the toilet because you’re too bummed out to bother getting off the bathroom floor where you passed out the night before. Sometimes you even feel more or less okay, except for the nagging voices in your head telling you how worthless you are and questioning your sexuality. What’s important to remember is that all feelings are temporary and will eventually change into a different (but equally bizarre) emotional state. Except for your fear of a horrible death. That one is pretty resilient.
2. Hang out with upbeat types - Nothing can possibly cheer you up faster than seeing firsthand the blind delusional state of denial that optimists stumble around in. Their utter ignorance of current events, biology, socioeconomic issues and climate threats are sure to leave you feeling smug and well-informed. Many of them distract themselves from the serious side of life by watching reality shows or building up hilarious collections of kitschy crap like commemorative Six Million Dollar Man plates or Thomas Kincaid “paintings.” A few hours with these addled loons and the next morning you’ll be chuckling in the shower instead of hoping the sound of the water is muffling your sobs.
3. Recall past triumphs - After a colossal fiasco, it’s easy to forget that once in a while you did something right. Reflect on how it felt to come out on top for a change. This will help build self-confidence. Then, and this is VERY IMPORTANT, start thinking about something else immediately. Otherwise, your next thought will be about how long ago that triumph was, and how it was instantly followed by another disaster, and another. Then before you know it the brutal fact that your prime years are decades past becomes painfully clear. Finally, the realization that you’ll never again be able to pick up someone for casual sex without money changing hands hits you like a cinderblock to the back of the head. Just trust me on this one.
4. Focus on your blessings - The beauty of living in a country with a deteriorating middle class and such a massive gap between rich and poor ensures that there are lots and lots more poor people than there used to be. In practical terms, this means that no matter how poor and shitty your life is, there’s almost always got to be someone worse off than you. Of course this won’t work if you’re a drama queen that gets off on being more miserable than anyone else. Since the middle class is now essentially extinct, visiting the neighbors down the street with the nicer house and the swimming pool to complain about your plantar warts won’t do the trick. You’ll have to get more resourceful and crash high-society functions. Who knows? You may end up as a sort of pet.
5. Change your environment - When we’re down, we can associate those bad feelings with our surroundings. Try to perk yourself up by redecorating a little bit. Nothing too fancy or expensive: a candle here, a mask there. Just be sure that if you’ve been having “episodes” recently and haven’t been keeping up with your meds, don’t hang any “trophies” on the wall that could decompose and attract unwanted attention.
6. Become irresponsible - Dragging your sorry ass to a job you hate day in and day out can make anybody bored and listless. What you need is to call in sick and take a little “me” time. If you’re smart your “me” time can be used to avoid unpleasant situations at the office. Five hour meeting with the Board of Directors to discuss the unfortunate webcam testicle incident that cost the company three million in PR to survive? You’ve got Rheticuloid Phlegmbosis that will keep you on bedrest for the remainder of the week and you’re not even allowed to use the telephone because it’s just that contagious. Spend the time at the beach, and afterwards explain your new suntan as a side-effect of the powerful Sulfa drugs they used to treat it. Before you know it, you’ll be fired from the job you hate plus you caught some waves. Problem solved.
7. Interact with your animal neighbors - If you’re not feeling athletic, your animal neighbors can be purchased at the grocery store pre-slaughtered and wrapped in plastic. Use charcoal, not propane. Pyromania and seared animal flesh are a powerful one-two punch mood elevator. If you’re a vegetarian, I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you. There are no grillable vegetables that aren’t depressing. Maybe corn. Worth a shot, I guess. Poor saps.
8. Get your ass in gear - Exercise is supposed to boost your mood. In my experience it makes me tired, sweaty and resentful toward the insensitive bastard that made me do it. Come to think of it, maybe I just didn’t push hard enough. I remember a gym coach and a drill sergeant that definitely would have cheered me up if I’d gotten resentful enough to punch them in the nose.
9. Develop some perspective - In the grand scheme of things, the Earth and the creatures living on it are utterly insignificant; a tiny meaningless grain of dust lost in the vast Sahara of space. Some people think this is a depressing thought, because it clearly is a depressing thought. Others see it as an opportunity to treasure every brief moment we have of this gift called life. Try and repress your impulse to smash these people in the back of the head with a shovel.
10. Decide on a plan of action - Get out a pad of paper, and start writing down all of the biggest problems you face in your life. Then break those problems down into a series of concrete steps you could take to solve them. Beside each one, add a little note indicating the time you estimate it will take you to accomplish this step, and multiply it by two. By prioritizing your problems in this way, you can get a clearer idea of the amount of time and energy it will take to improve your situation. Look the list over, then decide it’s impossible to accomplish in one human lifetime, wad the list in a ball and toss it into the trash. Give up. There, feel better?
