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THE LOST EPISODE
by
David Bryant
 "How about this?" said Rob. "Alan is an airplane waiting to take off..." He spread his arms like airplane wings.
"Nah," said Buddy from the office couch. "It sounds too much like last week's sketch about the car."
Sally nodded in agreement. "Besides, who can afford to fly? Nobody will get the jokes."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Rob sat on the corner of his desk and chewed his thumbnail. "We need something really different."
"What's the hurry?" asked Sally. "The bit isn't due until next Friday."
The door suddenly opened. A neat little man with an impish grin stuck his head in. "Pardon me..."
Buddy piped up. "How can I pardon you if I don't know what you did?"
"Don't mind him," said Rob. "What can we do for you?"
"I'm Dr. Leary," said the man. "I'm supposed to do an interview on stage 7, and I seem to have gotten lost."
"A doctor?" asked Sally. "Are you married?"
Rob offered his hand. "My name's Rob. This is Sally and Buddy." They all shook hands. "Stage 7 is down the hall three doors to the right."
Sally asked, "Why are you being interviewed?"
"I've been doing some experiments at Harvard with a therapeutic drug called LSD."
Sally said, "I think I've heard of that."
"What's it do?" asked Rob.
"Among other things, it unleashes hidden creativity."
"We could sure use some unleashed creativity about now," said Buddy.
"Here you go," said Dr. Leary. He pulled a small vial out of his suit pocket.
"It looks like eye drops," said Rob.
"Only for the third eye. You put one drop per dose on a sugar cube, and let the cube dissolve on your tongue."
"Is it safe?"
Dr. Leary grinned. "Cary Grant's been taking it for months now. He claims it's changed his life for the better." He handed the vial to Sally, who held it up to the light.
"Cary Grant, huh?"
"Well, I've got to go," said Dr. Leary, looking at his watch. "Go ahead and keep that. I can always get more."
"Thanks, Doc," said Buddy.
The doctor left.
"What a strange man," said Rob. "Well, we'd better get back to work. Where were we?"
"Near tears," said Buddy.
"Maybe we should take this stuff," said Sally. "It might help."
Rob shook his head no. "Uh-uh. We've got plenty of time to come up with an idea. We certainly don't have to resort to drugs to do it."
Sally said, "I guess you're right," and put the vial on the desk.
Mel abruptly entered.
"Don't look now, Rob," said Buddy, glancing a Mel's striking lack of hair, "but there's a tall igloo here to see you."
Mel ignored him. "Rob, we have a problem," he said. "Alan hates the watchmaker sketch. He wants a brand-new routine by showtime."
"But that's in three hours!"
"I'm just telling you what he said." Mel left.
"Did anybody ever tell you that you look like the Taj Mahal?" yelled Buddy after him.
Sally looked at Buddy questioningly. Buddy shrugged.
"Today I'm doing architecture jokes," he said.
Rob was agitated. "Who the heck does Alan think he is?"
"The boss, last I heard," said Sally.
Rob said, "How on earth are we ever gonna..." He stopped.
"Sugar cubes!" they all said, in unison.
Sally went over to the coffee machine, grabbed a box of sugar cubes, and poured them onto a plate.
"Better make a lot," said Buddy. "We might need extra inspiration."
Rob opened the vial and placed one drop of the clear liquid on each cube. They each took one. Rob put the plate on the desk.
"Well, here's mud in your eye," said Rob, popping the sugar cube into his mouth.
"Your third eye," said Buddy.
In Rob and Laura's living room, Laura was talking on the telephone. She looked distraught. "I don't know, Millie. It's been over three hours. Rob's never been this late without calling me."
She began pacing back and forth, stretching the phone cord to the limit. "No, nothing. If I don't hear from him soon, I'm going to start calling hospitals."
The door opened. It was Rob.
Laura said, "He's home, Millie. I'll call you later." She hung up. "Rob, where have you been? It's so late, Richie's already in bed!"
Rob grinned. "I took a trip," he said. His hair was unruly, and his eyes were unnaturally bright. He started to walk across the room, but stopped and stared at the ottoman. He pointed at it and began laughing. "A trip," he said again. He laughed harder.
The anger on Laura's face was replaced by concern. "Honey, are you okay?"
"I'm better than just okay! I'm magnificent! I've never felt better in my life." He spread his arms in an expansive gesture, and then did a double take. He began waving his hands slowly in front of his face. "Wow! Look at that, would you? Cool!"
"Rob, I'm worried about you."
He went up to her and held her. "Hon, there's absolutely nothing to worry about ever again. I understand everything now. See, our lives here in the suburbs are just a hollow sham. My job is completely pointless. I've spent years helping advertisers sell useless products to ignorant people while the military-industrial complex rides roughshod over all of us. That's why I'm quitting tomorrow. We'll sell the house and move somewhere where there's no electricity. We'll start all over again, just like Adam and Eve."
"You're scaring me..."
"I'm sorry, Honey. Here, let me fix you a drink."
"I certainly could use it," she said.
"Okey-dokey." He went into the kitchen.
Craning his neck to see if Laura was watching, Rob pulled the vial of LSD out of his pocket. He poured a drop into the glass, then hurriedly hid the vial again. He filled the glass with gin.
Rob returned to the living room whistling 'Pop Goes the Weasel'.
Laura was sitting on the couch. "You're sure acting strangely, Rob," she said.
"Just happy to be alive, Hon," he said, handing her the drink.
She took the glass. Raising it, she said "Skoal!" and took a big gulp.
Rob giggled.
An hour-and-a-half had passed. Rob had put a 'Fugs' album on the stereo, and Laura was dancing around the living room clad in nothing but a pair of black lace panties. Rob was putting the finishing touches on a caricature of Nixon he had drawn on the wall.
"What do you think?" he asked.
She stopped dancing to give her judgement. "Y'know, I'd never noticed it before, but he'd be pretty damn sexy with a goatee."
The noise had awakened Richie, who came into the living room rubbing his eyes and carrying a teddy bear. "Hey, what's going on?" he asked sleepily. Suddenly his eyes opened wide at the spectacle of his mother topless.
"Hey, Rich," she said, bending forward and shaking her breasts back and forth. "Remember these?"
Richie yelled and ran out the front door crying.
"Y'know, that boy can be a real drag sometimes," said Rob. They both laughed. Rob was struck by a thought. "I am the Buddha," he announced. "I am the nexus of the universe."
Laura walked over to him and started fumbling with his zipper. "How about spreading some of that cosmic energy around?" she asked. Her voice was husky with passion.
"Wait," Rob said, pushing her back gently.
"Why?" she asked, hurt.
Rob strode to the window and pulled open the curtains. "I want the whole world to witness our love," he said.
Laura licked her lips and knelt before her husband.
The door suddenly burst open. Policemen filled the room, guns drawn. Millie followed, holding Richie to her chest protectively.
"You're under arrest!" shouted a cop. "Both of you!"
One of the officers threw a coat over Laura's naked torso as they handcuffed the two of them and hustled them out the door.
"At that point I figured I'd better call you," said Rob. "Thanks for bailing us out, Sal."
"No problem. You're just lucky I'd come down enough by then to deal with it."
"One thing's been worrying me about last night, though." Rob leaned back in his chair and put his feet up on the desk. "The whole situation was pretty rough on Richie. We told him it was food poisoning that made us act that way, but still..."
"I know a good psychiatrist," said Sally. "He can help Rich deal with the trauma."
"Or at least make sure he doesn't end up wearing dresses," added Buddy. "Last night sure was something." He walked over to the desk. The plate was still there, with five sugar cubes on it. He poked at them with a pencil. "Hard to believe something so small could cause so much trouble."
"It wasn't exactly a bad experience," said Rob. "Before the cops came, I mean..."
He was interrupted by Mel entering the office.
"Is there an ostrich egg missing?" asked Buddy, looking at Mel's bald head.
"Very funny," said Mel. "Alan is furious because they've run out of sugar in the commissary. You know how he hates coffee with no sugar. Do you have any?"
Before anyone could speak, Mel spotted the plate of sugar cubes on Rob's desk. "Never mind. I'll just take these." He picked up the plate and started to leave.
"Uh, Mel," Rob said, "I don't think you want to do that."
"Why not?"
"Yeah, Rob," said Sally. "Why not?"
Rob grinned slowly and shrugged. "No reason. Forget I said anything. You go ahead and take it."
"Thanks," said Mel. He left with the plate.
Buddy walked to Rob's desk and opened the drawer. "I figure in about an hour we'll be needing this," he said, pulling out a camera. They laughed.
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