I approve wholeheartedly of the proposed School Prayer Amendment to the Constitution. I admit I had reservations at first, but after hearing its proponents guarantee to accommodate all faiths, I got behind it one thousand percent.

I grew up believing that Christianity was the One True Faith, mainly because it said it was. But then I found out that most other religions make the same claim. This bothered me. I started having nightmares in which I died, and God said, “Sorry, Dave, but it turns out that the One True Faith is Zoroastrianism. You really missed the boat with all that Christianity stuff.” The only safe thing, I concluded, was to try them all.

So my entire family has been converting to a different religion every week for the last two years. Every Thursday night my wife and kids join me at the Encyclopedia Britannica to decide what religion to try next. It’s brought us great satisfaction, and until now has been a very private affair.

We see the Amendment as a golden opportunity. Since the accommodation of all other faiths is guaranteed, my children can at last be free to worship in school without fear of reprisal. In addition, their classmates will have the extraordinary educational benefit of witnessing the world’s religious ceremonies firsthand. We’ve even outlined a tentative schedule.

In the first month the Amendment is in effect, we plan to cover snake handling, fire-worship, and, assuming we can procure sufficiently stain-resistant school clothes, self-flagellation. The following months will find us participating in cargo-cult hypnotic chanting, trance-induction through scarification, the Tarahumaran Peyote ceremony, and a quaint Central American ritual involving fire, rum, and the sacrifice of a chicken.

Springtime, of course, is reserved for the Babylonian Akitu festival, although the final consummation will probably be too strenuous for the children. Instead, my wife and I will perform the necessary act on the teacher’s desk (a modern stand-in for Marduk’s shrine atop the ziggurat).

All in all, I see no drawbacks to the Amendment. The honorable men that are drafting it have promised that, like me, they won’t favor one religion over another. I believe them, because to do otherwise they would have to put their religious convictions above their public duty. So what is there to worry about?

And there are more than enough religions to last until well past the children’s graduation. Remember: All prayers are created equal.