My main complaint with the recent legislation restricting indecency on the Internet is that it doesn't go anywhere near far enough. I agree that all suggestive language and imagery should be banned, in case some hapless child should unintentionally download an offensive file by randomly banging on the keyboard with a stuffed animal. But what if the child, by innocently mouse-clicking on a screen full of inoffensive text, should happen to move letters around so that the material accidentally becomes blatant pornography? The only solution to the problem, as I see it, is to forever destroy the language's capacity to make dirty words. We must, for the good of the children, cleanse the alphabet.

I am proposing, therefore, the total elimination of the letters u, c, k, f, s, i, h and t from the English language, with o, a and n to be considered on an individual basis. This would make it impossible to spell certain nasty words, and darned difficult to spell the rest of them. The spaces where the letters used to be would be left blank. I believe an immediate improvement in moral tone would sweep the land, ushering in a "Golden Age", or, more accurately, a "G lde   ge".

Some have argued that my proposal would result in utter chaos, with all textual material so chopped up as to be rendered unintelligible. To that, I respond with a hearty, "So what?" If all written English were reduced to an impressionistic patchwork, readers would then be free to interpret books, newspapers, and magazine articles any way they wished, regardless of the original intent of the author. Just imagine it: a paradise-nation where no one need ever be exposed to a word, expression, or idea that makes them feel in the least bit uncomfortable.

And best of all, our children would remain forever innocent.