THE FUTURE REVEALED!
A breathtaking revelation of events yet unhappened, from the most Honorable and Glorious Upended One,
Swami Bhaggipantt Seetsah.*
The Future... For most of us, the phrase conjures up visions of
wondrous scientific marvels, such as antigravity stomach pumps and
atomic steak knives. Alas, these are but the idle fantasies of science fiction
writers. (And of course the unfortunate impoverished masses who tragically must continue to feed
themselves as best they can with unpowered cutlery.) No, the future will be far different
from anything yet imagined.
How do I know this? I know because I have seen it with my very own eyes!
Here is how it came to pass: One afternoon as I was cleaning my room I
accidentally caught my head in a plastic dry cleaning bag. After struggling vainly for
several minutes to free myself from the treacherous polyvinyl python, I passed out
from lack of oxygen and ruptured dignity.
That's when the beautiful Plutonian Nipple-Goddess manifested herself and showed me the
infinite and compelling mysteries of tomorrow.
I was abruptly returned to the pedestrian world when my dog Bluto mistook my shrink-wrapped
face for a packaged pork-butt roast and enthusiastically punctured the bag. Profoundly shaken and
bleeding copiously, I frantically grabbed pen and paper to record what I had seen.
Gaze then, o lucky reader, upon what has heretofore been hidden from all mortal eyes.
I give you... THE FUTURE!
Special note: Although I saw many wondrous things on my transtemporal
journey, the facial mauling I suffered immediately afterward caused me to forget much of what
happened. I have listed the few future events I do remember, and will continue to add
others as I recall them. I must confess to being a bit ambivalent about recovering these
memories, as each one recovered so far has been accompanied by violent cluster migraines.
- October 8, 2000
- In a spontaneous display of revulsion, the American people say "no" to HDTV
when, for the first time, they get a really good look at the pores on Andy Rooney's nose.
- April 17, 2003
- NASA announces that the entire space program has been
an elaborate hoax designed to hide the fact that the earth is flat and is balanced
on the back of a giant tortoise supported by four huge elephants. The supposed "Hubble
photographs" are in reality a bunch of old spin-art paintings found at a Pasadena
garage sale.
- February 6, 2005
- Recently innaugurated President Willis causes an international
incident when he refuses to kiss the French Ambassador on the cheek "until femboy
here takes a goddamned shower." He then signs Executive Order 857b requiring all
references to France in official US Government documents be changed to "Stinkland."
- December 2, 2005
- The snack food division of GM-Kraft-Agfa hurriedly recalls
thousands of shipments of its new cracker Chompazoids after they are found to
be contaminated with embalming fluid. Veteran actor Charleton Heston holds a press
conference to denounce the product as being made from people. He then goes on to
condemn the use of apes as household servants, accuse Sheriff Quinlan of having
planted evidence, and implore Pharoah to "let my people go."
- August 14, 2007
- Christian fundamentalists suddenly renounce their traditional
opposition to abortion after the doctrine of Original Sin is explained to them.
Southern Baptist Conference Chairman Festus McGawkin explains that "since we're
all guilty in the eyes of the Lord even before we're born, then abortion is just
capital punishment in utero, so we guess it's alright."
- September 22, 2011
- The first teleportation of a human being ends in disaster
when a researcher carelessly leaves a banana slug in the telepod. The unfortunate
telenaut eventually finds fame after appearing in a sleazy 3D video as "Jojo the
Human Tongue."
- May 13, 2016
- The craze for genetically enhanced pets begins to lose popularity
after a calico kitten named "Puffball" briefly seizes control of the United States Marine
Corps. Luckily, General Puffball's invasion of Sardinia is halted before civilian
casualties become unnacceptable.
- June 30, 2028
- After vigorous public debate, Ronald Reagan's cryogenically frozen head is
thawed out and attached to a new cloned body. It immediately goes berserk, killing
most of the surgical staff while spouting folksy wisdom. The vicious rampage is only
stopped by troops wielding flamethrowers, while the televised spectacle of Reagan's final
immolation puts a serious dent in the Republican Party's plans for a big comeback.
- November 3, 2041
- The fragile Global Peace Agreement is irrevocably shattered when 12 year-old
Billy Marsden of Spokane, Washington punches fellow Dalton Elementary School student Philip
Entwhistle on the arm during a lunchroom conflict. China immediately nukes Belgium.
- August 19, 2052
- Experts are baffled when a virulently racist letter arrives at the
editorial offices of the New York Times. "I've never seen anything like it," says Editor
in Chief Paula Newsome. "The letter contains no spelling or grammatical errors. It's
uncanny." The mystery is finally solved when it is discovered that the author had run the letter
through a popular spell-check program before mailing it.
* Prior to his current spiritual Upendification, Swami Seetsah was known by the
simple terrestrial name of David Bryant.
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