A Few Thoughts On Taste

by David Bryant

When I first published my short stories on the internet, I expected to be hailed for my sublime sensitivity and insight into the human condition. What I got instead was a crush, a flood, an absolute torrent of email from horrified people disgusted by my work.

Some of my stories (specifically "The Adventures of Kip Crenshaw, Perverted Cowboy" and "Wholly Shit") have received indignant responses longer than the stories themselves. The writers of these missives conclude that I am deliberately flouting the conventions of society in a sad attempt to shock and dismay.

This is not, I assure you, the case.

As proof, I'd like to offer this list of twenty short stories I chose not to write, out of deference to common human decency:

    1. The Longest Crap

    2. Pus In Boots

    3. Stool Softener, Hard Choices

    4. A Crab In The House Of Love

    5. The Smegmoids of Regurgitron VII

    6. He Who Dealt It

    7. Spitpolish: Penthouse Magazine And Me

    8. A Round Of Rump Music

    9. Tilt-A-Whirl of Lust

    10. I, Maggot

    11. Splatterpants

    12. That Hurts (Take It Out)

    13. On Vomit-Flecked Lips

    14. Death Comes To Andy Hardy

    15. Digging For Nose Clams

    16. The Wafting

    17. Scabmasters

    18. Bathroom Stalactites

    19. A Spoor Cookbook

    20. The Boy In The Plastic Love Doll

It's obvious that in spite of all my good intentions I have astonishingly bad taste. This is a debilitating character deficiency I have no control over, and any complaints about it are mean-spirited, churlish and unchristian. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Thank you.
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