Do you get a warm, childlike glow when the holidays approach? Or, like most of us, do the impending festivities fill you with a nameless fear and the unshakeable conviction that life is a pointless, pain-wracked charade played by a cruel and malignant deity? And if you do feel depressed during the holidays, just how depressed are you? More than some? Less than others? Why be satisfied with a vague, subjective sense of dread when you can have that dread precisely quantized? Now, for the first time in history, you can use a global network of expensive computer equipment to tell you exactly how you feel about Christmas, accurate to fifteen decimal places. Take this simple quiz and step into a brave new world of digital doldrums! 1. What is your favorite holiday movie? "It’s a Wonderful Life" "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" "Santa Claus is Cumming to Town" 2. For the holidays, you decorate your front lawn with plastic figures depicting: The Nativity Santa and his Elves UFO cattle mutilations 3. In your opinion, the best part of the holiday season is: Unwrapping the gifts on Christmas morning The holiday feast with family and friends Holding your boss’ head while he vomits at the office party 4. If you could have one holiday wish come true, what would it be? Universal peace An end to famine A court ruling in favor of the silicone implant manufacturers 5. What is your favorite holiday beverage? Eggnog Spiced Cider Jonestown Punch 6. Your most heartwarming holiday tradition is: Singing Christmas carols around the fire Kissing loved ones under the mistletoe Raiding the relatives’ medicine cabinets 7. The “secret ingredient” in your turkey stuffing is: A dash of nutmeg A smidgen of allspice A spritz of formaldehyde 8. You prefer to give: Inexpensive, carefully personalized gifts Expensive, impressive gifts Sexually transmitted diseases 9. The ornament on top of your Christmas tree is: A star An angel A severed hand 10. You wrap presents with: Store-bought giftwrap Homemade giftwrap Crime-Scene tape 11. If you met Santa Claus, what would you say? "I always believed in you." "What did you bring me?" "Keep your hands where I can see them." 12. What is your idea of the perfect Christmas gift? A hand-knit sweater Two plane tickets to the Bahamas Insufficient evidence to convict 13. What is your favorite holiday program? "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" "A Charlie Brown Christmas" "Needle Exchange" 14. What do you leave for Santa on Christmas Eve? Milk and cookies A dry martini A tripwire rigged to a shotgun 15. What is "item #1" on your holiday "to-do" list? Must get shopping done before December 21st Must have house clean before December 23rd Must create new identity before spring thaw 16. Which makes the better stocking stuffer? An imported chocolate bar A gift certificate from Starbucks A deck of pornographic playing cards 17. What is your favorite holiday greeting? "Merry Christmas!" "Happy Holidays!" "Hey mister! Want a date?" 18. What is your biggest complaint about Christmas in the 90's? Gifts are too expensive The holidays are too commercialized Lumps of coal are too hard to come by 19. Your favorite Christmas author is: Charles Dickens Dr. Seuss William S. Burroughs 20. Which do you find more difficult to clean up? Tinsel Cookie crumbs Fingerprint powder 21. The best way to deal with holiday depression is: Talking to an understanding friend Prozac A seven-state shooting spree 22. What sound most captures the spirit of the season? Christmas music in the stores The laughter of children The heating system voices telling you it's time to kill again 23. Your biggest holiday question is: "Can I buy gifts and still make ends meet?" "Will I have time to get everything done before Christmas?" "What is the age of consent for elves?" 24. As a child, what was your biggest Christmas dissappointment? Discovering the truth about Santa Claus Not getting a pony on Christmas morning Finding out that "john" isn't another name for Santa 25. What holiday phenomenon gives you most hope for the future? The increase in charitable donations The increase in volunteerism The increase in the suicide rate This page Copyright ©1997 by David Bryant All rights reserved.